Hope Against Hope
by teachmetobeshy
Summary: My parents died so I would have a chance to live, and continuing to live is what’s difficult. I always thought that I would know the day it all became worth it; I just never knew that day would be today.
1. Tracing

Just a quick note: I'm not JK Rowling, and I'm not making any sort of profit. This story has been long in the making for me, and I hope you all love it as much as I do.

_And if you know the moment I knew I was still alone... you'd think by now, I'd know the shape of calling home._

**Tracing, John Mayer**

It was the day that my brother was leaving for Hogwarts. The day that I felt everything I had ever known and held close to me crumbling, and I was overcome with the desire to scream and cry and hit something all at once. But more than that I wanted someone to hold onto me and tell me everything would be okay as I cried myself into exhaustion. None of these fantasies would come true for me today, much less the daydream that somehow I was allowed to go to Hogwarts early just to stay with Harry. No, today was the first day I would be separated from my brother. Today was the first day in ten years and thirteen days that I had ever cried. I mean, I'm sure I cried as a newborn baby, but today I sobbed; a broken and hollow version of the girl I had grown to become.

My school year didn't begin until the next day, the same as Dudley's, and today I sat in some isolated corner of a hospital while Dudley had the pig tail removed. I preferred that the Dursley's wanted to be rid of me and that I was left alone in my misery. I didn't want to go to school tomorrow, although there were some advantages, those being that I would be without both Dudley and Piers for the first time. Piers managed to score himself a place in some fancy boarding school like Dudley had, so I was left attending the local public school, because in the Dursley's eyes public school was for commoners and they would never shell out anything for me, a Potter. I've never had a problem with the local school, the kids were nice if indifferent and the teachers varied from reasonable to great. It was something typical in my not so typical life that I appreciated. But right now I was left watching as Petunia and Vernon fretted over the questions people could start asking at any moment over why Dudley had a pig's tail to begin with. It was something I found ironic, considering the truths about my heritage that had been learned lately.

Nature versus nurture used to be so clear and simple for me. I bore witness everyday to the triumph of genetics, of having much better parents that passed down the best of themselves for their children. At least, this is what I had to believe. I never actually knew anything about my parents, besides their names, until I was ten. That's when so many of the idiosyncrasies that made up who I was, who my brother was, started making sense. Beforehand I had based this assumption solely on Dudley Dursley. There was no doubt that Dudley was loved by his parents, if anything he was an over-indulged only child. Even when Harry and I had been left on the Dursley's doorstep did they ever feel as though they had more than one child. Dudley was raised to get whatever he wanted through whatever means necessary. Was he capable of true cruelty, the kind that the people of our world have feared for so long? I would easily answer yes. He learnt from the best; he learnt from his father. The only difference between Dudley and Vernon Dursley is that Dud shares the blood of my mother's family, meaning that I believe he would show more regret or reluctance than Vernon was ever capable. Not that he would ever in front of his father, he was none too brave.

Dudley, in many ways, feared my brother from a very young age. At first it was always little things I noticed as we grew up, but it became more apparent when Duds would only hurt me with his gang as a child, blaming me for something inconsequential and untrue as a solid excuse for his gang to reap their havoc. I never wanted Harry to know, and that was how my magic manifested itself; healing the numerous bruises, cuts and swelling I would earn myself. Of course this only furthered his anger, knowing he couldn't see the reward of his exploits. But when he got older he appreciated that he could never get caught for his behaviour. I don't think Dudley ever realised it was never him I was scared of; I was scared of how my brother would react, what this would cause Vernon to do, and later, I was scared of Piers Polkiss. But that's another case altogether and one for later on.

Two things consistently gave me strength as a child; one, obviously, was my brother Harry. He was more than just my brother, just my best friend, he was all I had. Everything that tied me together made me the person that I was, stemmed from him. I know later on many people shrugged off our closeness to the fact that neither of us had anyone else, but it was more than that. Even if I had a proper family, real friends, a real life, Harry was still the one person I could never live without, would never want to be without. He is the sort of person that draws you to him; his love, kindness and sparkling aura single him out from everyone around you. He is the person I will always choose first. The second thing that gave me strength is the silver bracelet that is somehow permanently attached to my right wrist. It is a simple silver link chain with a heart locket that falls onto the inside of my wrist, my veins pulsing beneath its cool metal. On the back it reads 'Alexandra Lily Potter, Always Forever Now, L+J'. It reminded me that long ago, before I can remember, I had parents who loved me. This bracelet is what keeps me human, reminds me to feel and let people into my life. It's too easy to shut yourself away and protect yourself from everything that could ever hurt you or cause despair, but therein lays the difference between living and existing. My parents died so I would have a chance to live, and continuing to live is what's difficult. I always thought that I would know the day it all became worth it; I just never knew that day would be today.

Watching Harry get out of Vernon's car at King's Cross Station was one of the hardest moments of my life. We couldn't say all the things we wanted to in that moment because of the Dursley's within earshot, but we had shared the moment we needed to before leaving Privet Drive.

"_I wish you were coming with me", my brother spoke softly. I smiled bravely at him, trying so hard not to cry, because I wished I was going with him too. But he knew me too well and saw straight through my attempt to make him feel better. _

"_If only we were twins, then we'd be going together". I sighed softly. "It's only til June, and you have Hedwig so we can write each other all the time. And at least I'm getting rid of Dudley as well, going off to Smeltings and all that – I'll just be at Ash Grange for the year". Harry smiled at me easily._

"_So really you're just waiting to get rid of me as well?" I laughed, knowing I would miss him even more because of this, but right now was embracing the witty and charming brother I loved more than anything else, because he was all I had._

"_Exactly. I'm glad you've finally caught on. Once you leave I'll have a room all to myself, and quite frankly I'm a little sick of you". He laughed again and I threw myself at him, hugging tightly. He just buried his face into my long mane of hair and held me. I didn't want to leave this place, the place I shared with Harry._

_But too soon we were in a car to London, unceremoniously dropping Harry off at Kings Cross Station. I looked at him through the glass, tears unshed in our eyes. Harry never cried, but I always knew I would be the only exception for him. He had whispered in my ear before he got out of the car, 'I'll write as soon as I can, in a day or so. Don't let them bully you, Al. Remember, I love you'._

So I sat alone, next to a supply cabinet that felt cold on the thin cotton of my tank top and shorts that were falling apart every day that I continued to wear them. I had a headache from crying and the smell that all hospitals seem to have, of antiseptic and death; it's suffocating. I was starting to feel my eyes drop slowly closed when the door to the room I had wandered into hours before finally opened. It was a young male doctor who walked in, he had dark brown almost black hair, and olive skin. He was wearing blue hospital scrubs so I assumed he was a surgeon of some sort. When he walked around the gurney in the middle of the room and saw me he smiled widely. It made me melt a little, watching his eyes light up that way. He approached me cautiously, not wanting to scare me I imagine. But I could feel his good intentions as though they were my own. It was just a sense I had always had about people I came into contact with. I guess I was just good at reading people.

"Hi there, I'm Benjamin Rosen" I looked up into his eyes, they were a dark stormy blue colour I had never seen before, but it suited his face, and calmed me enough to remember to answer.

"I'm Alexandra, but I mostly go by Alex" he smiled widely at me for some inexplicable reason, and when I asked him this, he laughed.

"I'm just surprised how quickly you've learnt to protect yourself. It's a good thing mind you, wouldn't want to be announcing yourself unnecessarily to an enemy, but alas, that is not me" He smiled at his own dramatics and I almost chuckled at his blatant attempt to cheer me up.

"I'm an old Hogwarts student, and still close enough with Dumbledore that he told me to keep an eye out today for your cousin and yourself. When I didn't see you with your family I got a bit worried, so I've been searching for you. I figured you might be a bit upset, Harry having left today and all." He wasn't giving me looks of pity, just stating what he thought to be true. It was refreshing. So when he offered his hand to help me stand up, I took it only after a moment's hesitation.

"Alexandra Potter" I told him, smiling. He returned it with a true smile this time; I could see it light up his eyes. And that's when I realised that maybe being on my own wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.

Benjamin, though he insisted on my calling him Ben, led me through the hospital to the cafeteria where he took me over to a buffet style table at the end of the room and asked what I would like to eat. I looked up at him in surprise, my eyes wide in confusion.

"But I don't have any money," I pointed out reasonably when I finally found something to say. He looked at me, his brow furrowed slightly at the lie that had slipped through my lips. He seemed to be waging some sort of internal battle, whether to call me on it or not, and settling for the latter.

"You don't need any money. I hate eating alone, so I tend to not eat on my breaks unless I have company, so in reality you'd be doing me a favour. Besides, you can easily pay me back in the future if it makes you feel better." At that I finally smiled.

"Yes, it does thankyou. And you really should learn to eat by yourself, you're a grown adult, and a doctor no less, you need to take better care". Ben seemed like he was struggling not to laugh at this, and I grinned inadvertently along with him. I ended up choosing a chicken and salad sandwich with cheese and mayo, and a coke, something I had always wanted to try. Ben got the same as me, and we sat down silently, both content for the moment to just eat in each other's company before questioning the other further.

Thinking about the moment a bit more, it was strange that I was so comfortable with another person, when the only person in my entire life I had ever been close to was Harry. But there was something about Ben that drew me in a little, made me trust him. Not just the fact that he worked for Professor Dumbledore, but his eyes, they were honest. And his mind, it felt calm to me.

Ben had finished his sandwich and politely waited for me to finish mine before we talked. He seemed to enjoy watching me eat, and even offered numerous snacks if I was still hungry. I didn't want to spend his money, although I knew that I would be going home to nothing, so I promised that later I would get something if he would. We shook on our deal and Ben smiled encouragingly at me. I found that he made my lips quirk up in a smile I never knew I possessed; it was different to the way I smiled at Harry. But it was something I would have to think about later.

There were so many things I wanted to ask of him, so many things I needed to know for my own sanity. I wanted to know who I was, where I came from. What the world I was torn from was like. If Harry and I would be happy there. Ben seemed to see the confusion written on my face and he gave me a small smile in understanding.

"I know there must be a lot you want to know, and I can't promise to tell you everything now, even most things. Some information will come to you in time. But I can tell you enough that once you go to Hogwarts next year you'll survive in our world."

"Survive? Ben, I'm not sure I understand. Could you at least start at the beginning of what I can know?" He looked at me squarely.

"Is that enough for you? I expected more of a fight" He pointed out reasonably

"It's enough for the moment. Just tell me what you can, please"


	2. Brand New Colony

Just incase you hadn't realised, I'm not JK Rowling. So here's chapter two. I hope anyone who's read chapter one and liked what I'm starting so far enjoys this chapter as well. So you're aware, this story is planned out through all the books, and will cover events in the year following Deathly Hallows, and then go forth to the nineteen years later from the epilogue. I know that towards the end of this series I have planned I will have to create events outside of what we know through canon, and I also know that I am taking some liberties by giving Harry a younger sister. But I hope that despite this being an alternate universe fic, and that I'm starting this story with unfamiliar characters, that you'll tell me what you think of it so far. All I can promise is that despite this first year being outside of Hogwarts, that there will be some familiar faces during Alex's year alone, and the story will relate to bigger picture events in the series.

Okay, enough of my rambling. Enjoy this chapter and please review and tell me what you think so far.

_We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,_

_Start a brand new colony where everything will change,_

_We'll give ourselves new names, identities erased._

_The sun will heat the grounds under our bare feet in this brand new colony_

**Brand New Colony**, The Postal Service

Who I am, and where I come from are two things I've never known. But I've always believed that someone somewhere would have answers for me, for Harry. Because I couldn't accept that the Dursley's were right about where we came from. 'Freaks' was the word used most to describe our parents. Parents that for so long went without a name, until the day that they slipped through Petunia Dursley's lips. Lily and James like the inscription on my bracelet. It was just one piece of them that I had, but it took a long time for me to realise I had more of them than I ever knew, because neither Harry nor I resembled our adopted family in the slightest. Their hatred, their fear and prejudices didn't seep into our skin, into our hearts like an incurable disease, like it had their son. We escaped unaffected, our view of people and the world hopeful somehow. So that's what I told myself every day, that I would find a little bit more of them inside of me, and that's how I would survive.

But sitting across from Ben today, I realised that hope is a funny thing to possess, both a blessing and a curse. And the truth is never an easy thing to learn. It requires time, patience and knowledge to process what it truly means for someone. I knew I wasn't ready to know everything about who I was, and where I came from, but I was stronger than I appeared. Harry always dreamed of what our lives would be like if we lived with Lily and James. He wore their memories on his sleeve, and while it has helped him so far I knew that the truth, the reality of life would catch up with him. I didn't want to watch him break down, but at the same time I knew he was stronger than he seemed as well. But I still wanted to protect him for as long as I could.

"Professor Dumbledore asked my sister and I to teach you this year" He was so blunt about this bombshell it took me a moment to actually process what this truly meant. I doubted that they were teaching me magic early. So what did they want? I felt my eyes narrow slightly in suspicion, but otherwise managed to not betray the feeling that I wasn't being told everything.

"I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and assume that you won't be teaching me magic" I saw a flicker of understanding in his dark eyes before he quickly buried it away from my sights.

"No, not magic the way students learn at Hogwarts. You'll have to wait until you're there before you can be taught magical practice. However that doesn't mean you can't learn about the theory, the history, the prejudices. How our world works; the insight people raised in it take for granted. That's what you're going to learn about this year." I thought about the implications of what Ben was telling me. It wasn't as though the work didn't interest me, the opposite actually. I was more confused as to why they were doing this; why did Professor Dumbledore want me to learn these things now, before I went to Hogwarts? What was in it for him? I decided not to voice these thoughts to Ben just yet, but rather try and find out what I could for now.

"How would I be able to learn anything? Where could I see you and your sister without the Dursley's knowing?" Ben grinned at me, leaning back in his white cafeteria chair with ease. The hospital around us was still busy; filled with families who cared about one another and doctors and nurses who cared about humanity and people. But my musings were interrupted by Ben answering my questions.

"My sister, Kate, is going to be teaching at your school this year. You'll go every day like normal, only you'll be the only person in Kate's class. The Dursley's won't know that, so don't worry about them. Mostly it will be Kate teaching you, she's much better at these sorts of things than I am, plus I do have to work here most days. But my schedule allows some flexibility that I can be there too sometimes."

The truth behind Ben and Kate was puzzling. They were obviously magical, having gone to school at Hogwarts, but Ben was clearly a trained doctor, and I doubted he was giving me lessons in order to expedite a medical degree. So why did he work in a muggle hospital? I guess it was just another life lesson; that in trying to find answers, you often will find more questions first. It seems to be the story of our lives. But the question that was most important, that needed to be addressed first, was what was I prepared to do? What was I prepared to do in order to know who I am and where I came from? What would I do to give my brother peace of mind? I looked up at Ben, who must have recognised something from the emotion I imagined, stirring behind my hazel eyes. It felt like a fire inside my chest, fuelling my adrenaline so I couldn't feel the fear I trapped away. Because if I felt that fear, the overwhelming feeling I had that we had become a part of something much bigger than the both of us, well I couldn't guarantee that I would have any hope left to hold onto. Or the courage necessary to say what I was about to say.

"Just so you know from the start, I'll do whatever you want, if it means that I'll get the answers that I need. And I know you can't give them to me now that it will take time and it won't be up to you to divulge them. But –"

It was Ben who cut me off with a wave of his hand, his expression both amused, but also a bit concerned. Before I contemplate why he was so torn he spoke to me quickly and quietly, leaning across the plain cafeteria table earnestly, his eyes almost panicked.

"I know you would do anything for your brother, I understand that, it's the same connection I share with Kate. But I don't want you to make any promises that later on could get you into something you can't get out of. I'm not saying don't do everything you can to find out about your past, but you need to exercise caution. Meet Kate, learn what she has to teach you, what we both will, and make an informed choice." He looked at his watch quickly, stood up and offered me a hand. I smiled slightly at him and took it without the hesitation I had the first time. I looked up at him curiously and he smiled sadly at me.

"Dudley should be out of recovery any time now, so I should get you back so your Aunt and Uncle don't worry about where you are." I snorted at this, and he looked at me quickly. I laughed at his perplexed expression and explained.

"It's just funny because they wouldn't worry. It would be more along the lines of them leaving the hospital without me." Ben had a sad look over his face, and I offered him a small smile. "Don't worry its okay, just one more year."

We walked through the halls of the hospital and it felt as though I was walking toward a guillotine. The Dursley's were stifling, as though their thoughts and feelings were somehow able to choke the life out of me. Of course if we didn't get back to recovery in time, Vernon Dursley could easily choke the life out of me literally later on for keeping them waiting. But I realised I was reluctant to leave here, leave Ben. He had managed somehow to make me forget how upset I was about Harry leaving today, and made me focus on myself and my own feelings for a change. It was different for me, but I couldn't deny the honesty behind Ben's warning about the big picture and thinking things through. So when I saw the Dursley's harassing the nurse over something trivial about their son I managed not to feel as though returning to Privet Drive was the end of the world, but rather just a necessary step on the way to finding out everything I ever desperately wanted, my family.

Before we got within earshot of the paranoid schizophrenics I needed to ask Ben one more thing, and he seemed to understand that we needed to have our moment here.

"Will I see you at school tomorrow? Or will it just be Kate?"

"I should get a moment to come by before I start work tomorrow, so I will most likely see you before lunch. Don't worry too much about what's to come, alright? What's coming will come, and we'll meet it when it does." I smiled widely, and just let myself bask in his presence for a moment longer before returning to captivity.

"Thankyou Ben, for everything today, I actually enjoyed myself, which if you had told me that this morning I well, I would have though you were crazy; shows what I know. But I am glad I met you, and I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night Ben Rosen."

With a final wave I turned and walked away, still hopeful.

* **

We returned to Privet Drive with both Petunia and Vernon thankful for a return for normalcy, and a Dudley who was greatly appreciating the chance to go to Smeltings where, as far as he knew, no one could find out about his pig's tail. I was locked back into the cupboard under the stairs, a ratty school skirt and oversized shirt on the makeshift bed. Sighing quietly to myself, and knowing there was no chance of dinner, I pulled out my sewing kit and began working on my uniform for tomorrow in order for it to look somewhat presentable. Petunia had always insisted on my sewing things for myself and occasionally for the family as well, and I was actually rather good. I could easily turn one of Dudley's old shirts into one for myself, and as he got older and fatter I could even make dresses out of the excess material.

Sewing was a good way for me to keep my mind focused and I rather liked that I could make sure Harry and I were dressed somewhat nicely. I had made sure to sew all his clothes before he went to Hogwarts and told him to send anything that needed redoing back with Hedwig during the year. Hours passed and I had made the white blouse and dark blue pleated skirt respectable enough to be worn in public without receiving glances filled with pity or suspicion. Because I had finished rather quickly and was not yet tired I started working on a new dress out of an old shirt of Dud's that I had been planning. It was a nice deep blue coloured shirt, reminding me of the colour of the ocean sometimes, and I was hoping I could turn it into a sundress. I had been collecting various buttons for the dress itself and found some of the last ones in Petunia's second and least used sewing box that I'm sure even she would not recognise as her own.

The methodical nature of planning and cutting and sewing together material actually calmed me a lot, enough that my mind was working a hundred miles a minute trying to analyse my day, keep a record of the questions I wanted to ask or the theories about my role at the end of these lessons. I was humming some song I heard on the radio at the hospital today under my breath and before I knew it the dress was finally finished. I tried on my final product and felt a victorious smile creep across my face as I looked at the cute dress. It hung to just above my knee, and fitted against my body properly, but I allowed enough room for me to grow and still wear the dress next summer at least.

After all this time I was finally hungry, so I opened up the cupboard door and checked the hallway. It was dark and silent in the house and I realised it was later into the night than I thought, just after midnight. I crept out quietly and headed toward the fridge, hoping to eat some of the leftover chicken from the other night that Dudley had forgotten about in his panic over the tail. I was about to return to my cupboard when a flash of white near the kitchen window caught my attention. I turned quickly and nearly dropped the container in my surprise.

"Hedwig," I breathed softly, barely hearing my own voice, but I was sure she had heard me easily. She cooed quietly and I climbed onto the counter to open the window. She glided down next to me and held her leg out for me to untie the envelope that had my name written on it with Harry's easily recognisable scrawl across the front. I took an extra, unnecessary breath before I untied the letter gently and found some crackers and water for Hedwig to recuperate while I read Harry's first letter for me.

_Al,_

_I know it's going to be late when you get this, and I hope Hedwig doesn't wake you, or worse, The Dursley's, but I needed to let you know that everything was fine, and tell you about the wizarding world. So when I was left at Kings Cross I needed to find Platform 9 and ¾ which obviously isn't a normal platform, but I saw the most amazing family; a mom and all these kids dragging their luggage around the station, talking about muggles. The mom showed me how to get onto the platform, and I ended up sitting with one of her son's on the train. His name is Ron and he was starting Hogwarts this year too. _

_We sat on the train together and he told me all about his family and about Hogwarts and I told him about you and the Dursley's. We met a girl from our year, Hermione Granger on the train. She's a bit of a know it all, and slightly bossy. Ron doesn't like her very much, they seem to be the complete opposite of each other, so there's that immediate tension between the two. But she seemed nice to me, if a bit standoffish. She was trying to help a boy, Neville, find his lost toad._

_When we got to school there was this other boy, Draco Malfoy, who tried to convince me not to be friends with Ron. He was a rich bully looking down his nose at everyone and only trying to get me onside because of what happened with our parents, because of what everyone calls me here. I have a feeling we are always going to be enemies; that he is the sort of person I could never agree with or respect. But that doesn't bother me or scare me, as long as he keeps away from me and my friends we never have to cross paths. But I don't think he is the sort of person to let this go, and I don't think I'm the sort of person that can walk away if I need to stay and fight. But enough about that._

_I was sorted into Gryffindor, just like mom and dad. It's sort of amazing, it's red and gold everywhere and the fireplace and the people... it's just the most amazing feeling. It's feels like home. I can't wait for you to be here next year, you'll absolutely love it. Ron was telling me about his family. His dad works at the Ministry of Magic, dealing with misuse of muggle artefacts. His oldest brother, Bill, is a curse breaker for the bank, Gringotts, and works in the tombs in Egypt. Charlie, the next brother, is a dragon keeper in Romania. Percy is our prefect and the twins Fred and George are in third year and are the biggest pranksters of the school. His younger sister is Ginny, and from the sounds of it she is a lot like you, very fiery, stubborn and passionate about life._

_Professor Dumbledore seems even more amazing in person than from everything Hagrid told me. He led us in the school song, which everyone knows the words to, but you sing it to whichever tune you would like. There's something about him, the feeling you get just from being near him. He's powerful, you can feel it – what would you call it? Humming through the air around you. I know that's how you describe the power you feel. So I figure it's the best comparison I can make. Tomorrow our classes start and the idea is both terrifying and exciting. _

_So I guess I should let you go. I'll write to you tomorrow night and tell you all about it. And you better have a letter ready to come back with Hedwig so I can hear all about your first day too. Just so you know, I really miss you, and I can't wait to hear from you tomorrow._

_All my love,_

_Harry_

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the counter and sighed. The night around me seemed darker somehow now I was realising that my brother was starting to find out who he was without me. But I felt less guilty about my own pursuits to find out who I was. So maybe this next year, the year apart would be good for us both. Who would have thought?

I went back to the cupboard after sending Hedwig home to Harry and spent my first night alone sleeping soundly.


	3. Fairytale Arrows

So before we get to it, quick reminder/disclaimer: not JK Rowling, not making any profit from this story, etc. Again I need to thank my friend and beta Alice for consistantly praising and encouraging me. It's a good feeling being able to share a story I have had in my life for so long. Also a tiny, heartfelt plea to everyone who has started to read this story; please please review. Tell me what you think, share your thoughts and ideas and whatever else you feel like. I'm not going to stop writing or withhold chapters for a certain amount of reviews, because I'm writing this for me just as much as I am for everyone else. But hearing from my readers is always nice. Anyway, I'm rambling, on with chapter three.

_Please excuse me but I got to ask,  
are you only being nice  
because you want something?  
My fairy tale arrow pierces  
be careful how you respond_

The Eraser, Thom Yorke

I never had the school experience parents dream about for their children, and children pray for unknowingly every night before the event. That first day of school you walk into the classroom and know that the teacher will care this year; that you'll learn something meaningful and exciting and these events will change your life. I've never had that happen to me, but I was expecting this morning to feel almost the same. It was the only reason I could find for the glint of happiness so unfamiliar in my hazel eyes and the warm glow of my skin in the reasonable beginning of fall weather. There was an unrecognisable bounce in my step as I left for school that morning, after having gotten up in time to cook breakfast for the Dursley's who were taking Dudley to Smeltings early for his first day at boarding school. I left the house with plenty of time to walk to the local school I would be attending for the year, and I was nearly buzzing with excitement at the prospect of what I was going to be learning. I knew deep down I was still concerned about what I would be asked to do with this information, but it was like Ben said, I should worry about that when it comes. I wasn't going to let the anxiety I felt ruin the opportunity I had today.

The school was a typical collage of grey concrete buildings, peeling coloured paint and scarce gardens. There was a playground for the younger kids along with a back field for various sports I really had no interest in, and a court for basketball and netball. Whenever I had played different sports in the past, I was only ever good at the ones involving a bat. Softball, cricket, even tennis; if I had to hit it, I could do it well, my aim was always perfect, which was both ironic and astounding for someone as slim as I am. But I was glad I didn't have to be alone again this year. One of the hazards of the Dursley's love of gossip is that everyone in Little Whinging knew that I was a Potter, and that the Potter kids were bad news on account of their good for nothing parents. So it follows that neither Harry nor myself had ever made a friend in school. I preferred to work alone anyway, considering I was smarter than the kids in my class anyway. I was probably smarter than Harry in a lot of ways, but the Dursley's never took the advice of the school and advanced me up a grade, because that would be admitting that I was actually worth something, and they made sure to remind us everyday that we were not.

There were still some patches of green grass after the summer, and I managed to find some away from the other children that were running to and from one another. From my distance I could still hear their laughter on the wind, the sound so foreign to me, but surprisingly I could identify the carefree nature of it. That thought alone comforted me as I watched from my invisible spot against an old looking tree. It was slightly decrepit, worn away with age, but it was comfortable to lean on, and I usually spent my time here reading books I borrowed from the library every lunch period. I hoped I still had time for that this year, I didn't even know if they had muggle things like story books or music in the wizarding world. I suppose they had to, but it would be different. I didn't want to go to Hogwarts and forget about this world I grew up in for the last ten years. I still wanted to learn to drive a car someday, watch TV when the Dursley's weren't home and listen to the good music they played in the entertainment section of the department store. I liked reading books about falling in love and about the history of the world. I hoped I could still have these things in my life, and made a mental note to ask Kate or Ben at some point about access to these things once I went to school.

The bell signalling the morning assembly rang and I headed towards the hall, an invisible body that fell in between everyone else. Usually I had Harry to sit with, someone I could whisper to and fall into my own little world with. Now, that world has become a reality, but I'm still somewhere in the middle. I had just entered the large building with its high roof and inordinate amounts of sunlight when I felt the back of my neck prickle slightly. Slightly uncomfortable, I turned to see a woman with light brown hair, almost blonde in the sunlight coming through the skylight in the roof. The ends flicked underneath her chin, and the stormy blue eyes were identical to her twin's. I knew instinctively this was Kate, and offered a small inconspicuous smile from my place across the hall. I sat at the side, away from the groups of friends and adults that could frown at me throughout the mundane first day of school ritual of speeches and lectures on behaviour and learning. I found myself thinking about Harry's letter and imagining what the Hogwarts school song could possibly sound like being sung to whatever tunes the students and teacher's each desired. It brought a grin to my face and I nearly chuckled out loud.

After a half hour the boring speeches about behaviour and learning had finally come to and end, and students and teachers alike began filing from the hall towards their classrooms. I used this opportunity to stand up on my toes and look for Kate, nearly losing my balance in the process if a hand hadn't wrapped around my upper arm in time to steady me. Falling back onto my feet I found that the hand was Kate's, and she was looking at me almost as curiously as I was her. Light brown hair, nearly blonde in the sunlight streaming from the skylights in the roof framed her dark, stormy blue eyes, falling haphazardly in layers around her chin. Skin a shade darker than my own, but enough to make my honey tones seem snow white in comparison between us. You could see the resemblance between these twins, especially the small smile she offered me amongst the still too busy for conversation state of the hall. It brought a similar gleam to her eyes as it did Ben's. But I could tell she was holding herself back too, and it wasn't just to do with the muggles surrounding us. But that was another piece of information I filed away for future thought and consideration.

We had walked through the crowds of students bubbling with excitement and stories from their summer holidays and ended up approaching the unused music rooms beside the library. Mostly storage during the years of my attending this school, I was surprised they had been cleared out and cleaned, replaced with a library of Kate's own design, a workspace and lesson plan on a chalkboard, and a large gym mat on the floor. I could feel the excitement bubbling in my chest and suddenly I could identify with those students we had passed, just their need to release the energy caused by the feelings it stirred. The room was set up for training, I realised as I examined my surroundings more intently. The gym mat was set in an open space for physical activity; training, combat and defence from the looks of the equipment. Some things I guess were just universal, for both muggles and magical communities. In some ways this was a relief; I never wanted to give up everything I'd ever known for another world, even if that's how my life should have been. The reality was that it didn't turn out that way, and I had every intention of using that to my advantage. Or maybe it was just my overwhelming desire to learn to drive, take your pick.

The side of the room had more of a typical classroom feel to it, with a blackboard, two desks facing each other, books that looked both reverently beautiful and old all at once. There was also a cupboard and next to it various cauldrons – I recognised one that Harry had bought. I assumed the others were made from something other than pewter. If I hadn't known any better, I would have thought I was learning how to cook, but I did know better. Everything around me was new and exciting, but I was uncertain where we would begin. I turned to Kate, who had been watching me intently, seemingly impressed with my reactions. She motioned towards some comfortable chairs set up in the back corner I hadn't noticed before, and we sat, the plush of the cushions and fabric feeling safe and warm around me. I wasn't sure where to start, so Kate did for me.

"You'll be learning a lot this year Alex. Information not taught at Hogwarts or known by many. Some things will be historically significant and others will be more advanced than the school's curriculum, but they are necessary for you to know. I've looked at your files; you're incredibly smart for your age, more so than most kids three or four years above you. It will work to your advantage once you're at Hogwarts". She sighed deeply before looking me in the eyes, her dark blue battling against my warm hazel.

"Is there anything you want to ask before we begin?" I blinked once in confusion; in a way I hadn't really heard what she said, but the questions slipped off my tongue automatically.

"Who are you? Why are we doing this? Why me?" The words came out in an unrecognisable voice; bland, almost monotonous. They seemed to echo inside me, which after a moment I realised was silently chanting the questions over in my mind. Like a mantra, a prayer.

"Those answers are important Alex, and not without context. The answers are both a part of our history and our future, and like most things in life, are answers that will present themselves over time. In this case, as we learn more. Once you have all the information you need you may not need to hear the rest, you'll be able to figure it out on your own. For questions that are important to us that is how answers should be".

I frowned a little at the riddle, and while I debated internally over what would have been a better response, that or no, Kate stood and offered me her hand. In that moment, the resemblance between her and Ben was strongest, from their mirror-like eyes, high cheekbones and the way they held themselves; confident and fierce, like they were taking on the world. Maybe they were, maybe we all were.

We spent the morning talking about the sources of magic; from the earth, nature and the elements. How that magic was cultivated and used, experimented with by the alchemists and philosophers. They traced people with particularly strong magical prowess and, over time, isolated the reasons why few could wield and control the power and others could not. Blood. Traces of magical energy in our blood. And so began the definition of wizards, witches, muggles and squibs.

It was nearly lunch time, and we had delved further into the magical history of the world, examining the early establishment of the wizarding world in Egypt and Greece, and early tensions that occurred with muggles due to the segregation of the two communities when the fireplace near the reading chairs Kate and I had sat on this morning came to life, startling me. I looked behind me and saw another flash of green flames lick the rug in front of the fireplace and suddenly Ben stood easily where the grate would be, brushing off his blue scrubs and grinning carelessly. The smile suited him, and I found myself mindlessly closing the book I was in the middle of, making sure to place with my bookmark before glancing at Kate, asking silent permission to stop. She smiled fully now, her eyes alight in the same way Ben's had in the hospital and you could see the closeness between them. It made me like Kate more, knowing that even though she was a focused teacher, she seemed to have a warm personality like her brother. Ben sat on the corner of my desk and looked down at the book I had been reading. He raised his eyebrows at Kate and she shrugged a shoulder easily. The silent conversation was one I had had with my own brother many times before and I stifled a laugh before Ben began questioning me.

"How are you finding things so far?" I smiled widely at him.

"It's really interesting, knowing where magic comes from, and why certain people have it. I figure it will help me understand a lot when it comes to school and everything else that I'll learn this year". He grinned easily at me, sharing a look with Kate before he spoke.

"It definitely will Al. By the end of this year you'll have a better grasp of the foundations of magic and the history of our world than many people that have been raised in it". The thing is, I had heard what he said and I was really happy that I would be doing something worthwhile this year, something that potentially could make a huge difference in my life. But my breath had caught in my throat when he had called me Al so easily; the endearment given to me by Harry coming from someone - else I thought it would be a painful reminder of our separation. However I wasn't aware of the smile lighting up my face until I was grinning at both Kate and Ben, who even after so little a time were becoming like family.

The day progressed rapidly with both Ben and Kate to banter with or share differing views and opinions on magic, prejudices and differences within the magical and muggle worlds. By the final bell I was reluctant to leave, a feeling I had never experienced at school before. I took this as a sign for things to come, and left with a wave and thankyou to both Kate and Ben, with Ben promising to stop by if he had a long enough break from the hospital tomorrow. I walked home and realised my previous feelings of anxiety and doubt were clouded by my euphoria, and even knowing I was walking into Number 4 Privet Drive couldn't ruin my mood, at least for today.


	4. Lengths of Love

Sorry it's taken a bit longer than normal to update, life and other things have been getting in the way. I'm starting to plan out one of my numerous Twilight story ideas, and should begin publishing this over the next few weeks. So I hope you enjoy this chapter, and I'm going to do what I swore I wouldn't and beg (only slightly) for you guys to R&R. I would love to hear what you're thinking about things so far; I know it hasn't had much canon related plot yet, but it picks up from here. There will be a few appearances from some favourite characters of mine soon, and this chapter ends with a bit of a cliffhanger, so tell me what you think, give me your theories. I'll update sooner knowing that people are enjoying the story.

_This could be destiny, old sweetheart_

_I've had no sense of time since we started_

_I got friends in need, old sweetheart_

_I'd go lengths and lengths and lengths of love_

**Lengths of Love**, Interpol

Over the last few weeks, the Dursley's had been as Dursley-ish as ever, with Vernon stepping up his harassment of me when he and Aunt Petunia were home. Now more than ever they spent evenings and weekends out with their friends and left me alone, not without threatening me within an inch of my life if I were to steal their food or use their household goods, such as the TV or Dudley's computer. Not that I wanted to use the computer much, but I did make a point to watch the TV when I could. The first night the Dursley's left I made sure to stay hidden but watch as they left the driveway, circle the block a few times then park a few houses down and come up to the windows and peer in both the living room and Dudley's bedroom window to make sure I wasn't disobeying their rules. I made note of where they were going, the distance from the house, the approximate time they would arrive home each night. I haven't been caught yet, and I had no intention of ever being caught. I would never bring my school work out into the house, for fear of the Dursley's ever getting wind of my studying magic already, so I only spent nights watching TV if I didn't have too much homework to do for Kate.

I was currently procrastinating though. It had been nearly three weeks since I had started working with Kate and Ben, and I had corresponded with Harry twice in that time; only to briefly mention that Dumbledore arranged for a friend of his to be my teacher at school this year so that I wouldn't be left without a way to contact both Harry and Dumbledore if I needed. Harry was overjoyed with this news, but I'm sure he'd feel differently if he knew what I was learning. It had only been a week, but I was becoming increasingly sure that the point of learning the things I would over the course of this year would be a means to prepare me for whatever Dumbledore and Kate would ask of me at the end of it all. Hagrid had said the day he took Harry and I to Diagon Alley that he didn't believe Voldemort, the monster who murdered our parents, was truly dead, only hiding. If Dumbledore and Kate believed that as well, maybe they were preparing for him to return one day. It wasn't an idea that comforted me. I had vague impressions of my parents from the few photos I have seen in my life, but no real memories exist. Even so, it sent a shiver through me to think of their murderer returning and coming after Harry, the boy He failed to kill.

As for me, it only hardened my resolve to learn as much as I could in this year with Kate and Ben. I already knew in my heart of hearts I wouldn't refuse whatever Kate eventually asked of me. I had a feeling it would be a way for me to protect Harry, and that's something I couldn't not do. I shook my head slightly, trying not to dwell on these thoughts now. I was enjoying a moment of peace without the Dursley's at home, and I didn't want to ruin it with thoughts of things that were to come. I could only control what I did now, and I had every intention of doing as much as I could. Besides, as much as I would do anything for Harry, I was truly enjoying my work with Kate, and finding the history and politics of the wizarding world not only informative but interesting. I had been getting through the material a lot faster than Kate anticipated, and she had even let me start reading a lot of the theory surrounding the subjects I would be studying at Hogwarts, mostly to do with Potions and DADA.

Currently I was reading a copy of Transfiguration Today on the lounge while I waited for the Dursley's to come home. I was reading with a torch so I could quickly go back to the cupboard under the stairs without them knowing I had been wandering the house so to speak. I had an unfinished letter on my bed to Harry, but Kate had said it was fine for me to use her owl to send him mail, so I was in no rush to finish. I figured I'd write the rest tomorrow during the lunch I usually spent with Kate and Ben if he was free from the hospital. We usually talked about anything and everything, and I felt more than anything that this would be how having older siblings would be, in a perfect world; one where you lived with parents and were raised properly. It was a nice feeling, if a little more self indulgent than I typically allowed myself to be, but I couldn't help it. It must be something to do with the work we were doing, but it made us closer, formed a bond between us that was more than trust. It was that we relied on one another and respected each other. Sometimes it felt as though the magic was tying us together on purpose, but I had a feeling this was what it felt like to love your family under normal circumstances, because I never described the bond between Harry and I, nor the Dursley's household as normal. They were both things that were beyond description for me.

I was however disrupted from my musings by a knock at the door. Frowning, I looked up at the clock on the wall. It was almost 10.30pm, and I knew the Dursley's wouldn't be expecting anyone tonight if they had gone out. I also knew that no one was ever told I was home by myself, not that anyone came to visit me anyway. I thought about just turning off my flashlight and sneaking back to the cupboard, but as soon as the thought occurred to me I noticed the dark outline of someone on the porch peering in through the window. I couldn't guarantee that they hadn't seen me, so I walked carefully to the door. I made sure to keep the chain lock on while I peered outside, and went over the details of the cover story that was standard to ensure the Dursley's weren't seen as neglectful in anyway. The porch outside was dark, and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust, even though I was the Potter child blessed with good vision. It was the deeper voice of a male that jolted my memory.

"Miss Potter, how are you?" Mr Polkiss' voice was slick like tar, making my skin break out in goosebumps. I smiled slightly, trying to keep the discomfort from showing on my face.

"Good Sir and yourself?" Mr Polkiss was a tall man with an intimidating presence. He wasn't bulky like Vernon, but he wasn't gangly in any form. But his face was always held an unreadable expression and his eyes were the darkest shade of grey I had ever seen, almost black. They seemed to notice everything.

"Well enough," his lips seemed to curl into an unintentional smirk, as though internally laughing at his own private joke. But I had no time to further contemplate this as he continued. "I looking for your Aunt and Uncle; I know it's late". I took a deep breath and willed my voice not to betray how unsettled he made me.

"My Aunt and Uncle aren't home at the moment sorry; there was some sort of emergency with a friend, but they'll be home any moment. I could take a message and leave it for them?"

My voice was light and innocent, my hazel eyes meeting the steady gaze of the man in front of me unblinkingly. That's when I realised something. I have always been able to hear my brother's innermost thoughts. As a kid it was just a fragment or so here and there, and I always managed to pass it off for something, until I realised I didn't care that it was weird. I loved being able to sense my brother just because I could find the warm buzzing, as soft as a feather, in the back of my mind. I didn't make the connection for a while, but I became much more adept as Harry's magic began to grow. Our connection only seemed to become stronger once he turned 11. But then we met Hagrid, and I was able to hear his thoughts. I thought it was maybe a way my magic was coming out; Hagrid talked about all sorts of ways magic manifested itself before witches and wizards were trained at school. But when I tried to do it on purpose, actually concentrated on breaking into someone's mind, I found that I could. It was harder with muggles, which was something I put down to them not having any magic, but I realised this was something I would need to talk to Kate about anyway. I couldn't believe I had forgotten.

But my realisation just before had been a strange one. I felt nothing when I looked into Mr Polkiss' mind. It felt cold and empty, making me shiver slightly in the still warm breeze. I knew I couldn't hear either Kate or Ben's thoughts, but I could feel the warmth of their minds. It was like a breeze coming through a window, and when you wanted to break down the flyscreen and feel the cool air fully on your skin, it was unable to be moved. But that presence, it was still there.

I didn't know what this meant, but I knew in that moment I needed to not be alone for very much longer with Mr Polkiss. Maybe he was a burglar or something? I couldn't tell you how long we stood there, but eventually he left, and I locked the door up tight behind him. I tried to continue reading, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was still being watched; the hair on the back of my neck still prickling uncomfortably. I picked up my magazine and flashlight and locked myself into the cupboard, for once grateful for the sanctuary it provided away from prying eyes.

The next day at school I was restless and sleepy all at once. I was desperate to share my discovery with Kate, and reluctant to start the day, having got very little sleep last night. Kate was already in the classroom like usual, but something was different. She smiled easily at me and gestured for me to sit down. Opening her mouth to speak, I waited patiently but watched as a frown made its way to her mouth and she narrowed her eyes slightly.

"You didn't sleep last night?" It was a question but we both knew the answer. I shook my head.

"No, last night was a bit... strange". She gave me a look that clearly said 'explain' and so I did. Everything from the first time I heard Harry's thoughts, to the strangeness that was Mr Polkiss. Kate kept her expression neutral, but I could tell she was thinking about everything I was saying in great detail. By the end of my recount, I noticed she glanced over my head, and I turned to find Ben leaning against the doorway, an unreadable expression on his face, but his eyes showed concern. When I realised he wasn't going to say anything at the moment, I turned back to Kate. She seemed to have collected her thoughts enough to say something.

"Alex, the ability to hear other people's thoughts is a rare talent in our world referred to as legilimency. It requires a lot of training and focus on the part of the witch or wizard, and you usually have to master occlumency, the ability to guard your mind, first." She cast another quick look at Ben, before she continued. "Ben and I both have mastered occlumency and legilimency, which is why you cannot read our minds. However we have noted over the last few that we also cannot read yours, meaning you have natural defences in place."

"So if this is rare, I'm guessing not everyone is able to do this?" Kate smiled in that way she did when I asked the right question.

"You're absolutely right. Just because anyone can learn, doesn't mean anyone can master this ability. It takes great focus and many years of training to be able to do as effortlessly as you can even now."

"How come you guys learnt?" They shared another look. This time I turned to look at Ben, and he smiled when I met his eyes.

"Our jobs required us to. Jobs in the wizarding world, while sharing some resemblance to those in the muggle world, some things stand out. Our Ministry, for example, has a department whose employees and roles are top secret. No one knows what these people do and know one will ever find out. They are called unspeakables, and it takes more than just training after Hogwarts in order to work as one. Most people start in a different department, and are recruited for certain roles in their space, known as the Department of Mysteries. The reason Dumbledore asked Ben and I to be here with you this year is because we are both unspeakables. And while we do report to the Ministry and have our own jobs to do, we were both going to be in the area this year anyway, and making sure you know these sorts of things are important."

It took me a moment to process all of this, and with my sleep deprived brain working slower than normal, I wanted to clarify before we continued.

"So essentially you guys are Ministry CIA operatives with day jobs?" Ben actually burst out laughing, and then eventually Kate and I both were as well. It was a nice break in the tension that had crept into the room.

"Essentially yes. I started working for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement as an Auror, who is someone that tracks and catches dark wizards – people, and I use the term loosely, like Voldemort. Ben started out as a healer, a doctor in our world, at the wizarding hospital in London, St Mungo's. But we were both needed to do work for the Dept of Mysteries so our jobs occasionally crossover. I had an assignment that would keep me around Surrey this year, and Ben needed to be placed at the muggle hospital in London. It made sense to take advantage of that and teach you as well".

I thought long and hard about this. They had been more open with me than ever, as though they somehow knew, like I did deep down, that this decided the outcome of what I would be asked to do by Dumbledore. I knew in myself that I would do whatever they asked, no matter the cost. What could I possibly be giving up that could compare to my greater desire to keep my brother safe? Because I was sure it would involve protecting Harry. Why else would they approach me? I closed my eyes for a moment before I asked the question that had plagued my thoughts since the first day I met Ben in the hospital.

"So are you going to tell me exactly _why_ you're teaching me yet?"


	5. The first last mistake

Author's Note: The usual disclaimers apply to all my chapters, I am not JK Rowling, not making any profit out of this story other than personal satisfaction. Sorry it has taken me a while to update, there has been a heatwave the last four days which left me in no position to concentrate on my writing and editing. Hopefully this chapter is worth the wait for you all. As always, a quick (and relatively painless) plea for everyone to R&R, especially if you're sticking with me this far. Once you've read this chapter you'll know what we'll be in for in regards to Al's work with Kate and Ben, so everything will begin to tie back to canon after this chapter. Yes, some favourites of mine will begin making appearances.

_Oh no, love just leaves you bruised_

_If you want to know, find something to lose_

_The world won't turn until something breaks_

_Who will make the first last mistake?_

_You say good things come to those who wait_

**Bruised** b. The Three Bens (Ben Folds, Ben Kweller & Ben Lee)

'Its better you don't know' was never a mantra I believed in. Even when Kate revealed the truth of what I would be asked to do at the end of this year, I felt better knowing the reason behind it all, rather than being left in the dark. It was something I was adamantly trying to reassure Ben with; as he wasn't sure I could handle it, being so young. There were things in life I couldn't handle, certainly, like the way the Dursley's treated Harry, or the way they talked about our mom and dad; the fact that I had no memories of them at all, those were things that I couldn't handle. But this choice was a simple one for me.

"_Professor Dumbledore believes, as we do, that Voldemort didn't die on the night he killed your parents, and attempted the same with Harry. We have evidence supporting that he was injured, gravely, and has been living underground, gathering his strength. Until the day he can reclaim the position he held before, and finish the work he started then." Kate's words echoed in my mind, my breath catching in my throat dangerously. I closed my mind against the panic bubbling inside my chest and just focused on my breathing, in and out, in and out._

_I opened my eyes to see two identical pairs on me, both shining with concern. I gave them a small smile of appreciation, but they knew as well as I did that nothing could make this okay. Because Voldemort finishing the work he started meant completing the task he didn't finish, not entirely. He would come after my brother, and he would kill Harry, unless someone killed Voldemort first._

"_How can we stop him?" Such a simple question out of context, but over the course of the next years would I only begin to grasp how complicated this would be. _

"_Dumbledore has some ideas and we both investigate various leads as to how we would. Part of it is learning as much as we can about the Death Eaters, his followers, their whereabouts and knowledge about Voldemort. You mentioned how our jobs made us sound like we were the CIA, and you weren't wrong in the sense that spying on his followers and the various bits of information we receive is part of our jobs. Not many people can do this effectively, and not many believe it is something that can be done by a young person. Professor Dumbledore is of the mind that you are someone we could trust to help us, considering the motivation for you especially. He figures you would try to help regardless, and has spent considerable time arranging a particular role only you could fill." Kate paused, seeming to collect her thoughts before continuing. The anticipation was building, my heart hammered in my chest like I had just ran a marathon and my fingers and toes were tingling like they did if I was particularly nervous or scared. It rarely happened, but I knew that today I was like standing on the edge of a cliff; I was just waiting for the final push to send me over the edge, where I no longer had any choice in the matter. The anticipation leading up to that point is what scared me._

"_You finished reading Hogwarts, a History, and you know about the houses and their histories. We went further in our lessons, discussing the prejudices between certain houses and why they are so prevalent to this day. So you know the judgements passed on Slytherin house, and why. Like most prejudices, there is historical precedence, however it is our fear that allows us to so blithely condemn others and stereotype them as something they may not be. Slytherin house is filled with students selected due to their wit, cunning and ambition being their strongest traits, just as Gryffindor's are chosen due to their bravery, Hufflepuff's their loyalty and Ravenclaw's intelligence. The thing with the houses is that it doesn't narrow down your personality and character so much that you can't be intelligent and also in Hufflepuff, loyal and still be in Slytherin. The sorting isn't mutually exclusive with who we are as people, and the students, as well as their parents and even the professors can tend to forget that fact. We get too overwhelmed in the stereotypes and the conflict that we neglect individuals for the sake of the group. This is so important for you to remember, no matter what house you go into. Your house is not who you are, not in your heart of hearts. It may be your best fit, it might be the place you want to be, but at age eleven the things we think and feel aren't necessarily the best representations of who we are. Dumbledore believes we sort too early, but it is a tradition of which we can't break. I just want you to take this into consideration." One more deep breath, and finally the true motives slip from Kate's lips, like a whisper that would feature in my dreams for many years to come._

"_Dumbledore would like you to consider being placed intentionally in Slytherin house, once you start at Hogwarts next year. There are still many Death Eaters that escaped after Voldemort fell, many with children at Hogwarts, children who are old enough to know about their parents' affiliations and affairs. It would be a significant advantage if we knew what they know. One of the advantages of having you in Slytherin is that not much is known about you in our world; you a very much a mystery to our society, and no doubt Voldemort's followers would approach you no matter which house you went into. They would be reluctant to accept you as anything other than a Potter at first, with some being openly hostile. But eventually we are hoping they will see the allure of having you on their side, which is what makes you the perfect candidate for this role. You would never turn, and they can't possibly understand why, which means they will underestimate you. Voldemort's followers don't understand how love can bind us so completely, stronger than any oath or promise of loyalty one could make. It is what puts that look of fierce determination in your eyes, and why even if I wanted to, I couldn't stop you from agreeing to do this."_

"_Would you?" I asked blithely. "Would you try and stop me?" Kate smiled, picking up on the real question from the tone of my voice. Would she stop me from protecting Harry?_

"_No, because I believe it is not only your right, but something you can do much better than the rest of us. We do a lot for the people we love; we do what is best, but also what is necessary to protect them. If we didn't have that same invested interest, we may focus on the other implications of what's going on around us. Someone needs to be looking after Harry and only Harry. You've always done this, even though you are younger, because that's who you are. Professor Dumbledore told me it is a quality he saw very much in your father, which only made him more certain you could do this rather than anyone else." Ben decided that it was time for him to interrupt, with him and Kate seeming to be playing the bad angel and good angel from Dr Faustus in regards to my wellbeing._

"_You need to understand that we will not need you to give us an answer until the last day of school, so arrangements can be made during the summer. You also need to understand that you are well within your rights to say no. Protecting Harry doesn't solely rest on this plan, or on your shoulders. Use this time to think about yourself, and what you'll be giving up if you agree to this plan. It's just as important as protecting Harry."_

It was a notion I had never considered until that day, that maybe I was just as important as my brother. It was something I would think about a lot over the next months, but even now I knew I would not change my mind. I had always been ridiculously stubborn, especially in regards to Harry. I remember once threatening to tell the teachers at school that Harry wasn't being fed properly like they had been speculating, unless Aunt Petunia started changing the fact. Vernon had turned the most violent shade of purple I had ever seen in my life. This was something I didn't have to think about. Voldemort would one day gain enough strength and enough followers that he could come back and kill my brother, my only family, it was like Professor Dumbledore told Kate; I would be doing something regardless as to whether I was given an opportunity to help. I would do whatever I could to save him. Including give up the opportunity to be in the same house as my brother, the same house my parents had been in. I could stand to be judged as evil like the rest of Slytherin house was, if it meant we found a way to defeat Voldemort and keep my brother alive.

Kate and Ben had agreed that they didn't want to overwhelm me too much today, and that I could just read rather than take part in the heated discussions we usually had about different issues and historical events. They both stayed, reading quietly or talking to each other, in case I had a question I needed answering, but I didn't feel as though there was anything left to say. Ben had made it very clear that I wasn't to give an answer until the very last moment, and while I appreciated his giving me every opportunity to change my mind, I knew I didn't need that time. So I continued with the readings for our lessons, even though I didn't have to today. I took my notes for discussion and let myself fall into the history of Gringotts and its role in wizarding society. I needed to know everything I could that might one day help me help Harry, even something as obscure as security levels of the vaults underneath the main branch in London.

I read until the final bell, only then being shaken out of my concentration. Ben and Kate both wore uncertain and concerned looks and I smiled widely to reassure them. I was surprised it came to me so easily, but I put this down to me being so sure with my own resolve. I couldn't imagine a time I would question my choice or wish I had made a different one. I brought my eyes to meet both of their own, just reassuring them both that I was okay with everything I had found out, and I wasn't having a panic attack or something. Ben was the first to grin back at me, his eyes showing a familiar glint of happiness I recognised to be genuine, as opposed as his trying to reassure me, which he was sometimes inclined to do.

"If you think of anything during the night, write it down in your workbook and we can go over any concerns you may think of tomorrow and every other day until the end of the year if you need. The only other thing I need to say is that there is no homework for tomorrow, we will start reading from wherever you are up to and work on what you've covered since our last discussion. Also, I just have to say that no matter what choice you decide to make in the future in regards to what we've talked about today, you can't under any circumstances tell Harry about this arrangement. If you agree, it will only work if everyone believes that you were sorted into Slytherin genuinely."

"I know, I understand. I haven't even told Harry about our lessons. All he knows is that my teacher is a friend of Dumbledore's so that someone can keep us in contact if we needed it. He doesn't know I'm learning anything other than what I would be normally in a muggle school. It will also help to explain one day if he were ever to meet either of you, how we already know each other."

I think they were both impressed by how much thought I had put into this already, but I knew this wasn't something to be taken lightly. Voldemort was a murderer, and I wasn't about to sit by and let him try again if I could possibly help it. But I didn't say this to Ben or Kate, not today. I packed up my reading materials for the evening and gave them both a small wave before I left the classroom. The cool air outside was a welcome relief, the autumn breeze blowing my ponytail around, the loose curls that fell around my face obscuring my vision. For a moment I just stood in the empty courtyard, the beginnings of the brown leaves starting to fall around our feet and the sun having cooled significantly since the summer. I loved the change between seasons more than anything, but especially the winds that brought in that change, like a paintbrush across the landscape. It made me feel like I was a part of something so important, like I fit into the world somehow. But even today I couldn't tell whether that feeling was due to the wind, or because finally I felt like I was doing what I was always meant to do. Maybe fate was supposed to be that way.


	6. If I Ever Feel Better

A/N. All the usual disclaimers apply. Not JKR, not making any sort of profit aside from personal satisfaction. As always, my happiness if you are enjoying the story so far, and reviews are always appreciated.

_I have known terror dizzy spells  
finding out the secrets words won't tell  
whatever it is it can't be named  
there's a part of my world that's fading away_

If I Ever Feel Better, Phoenix

When I wasn't reading another book about the various potions typically needed in everyday life that Ben insisted I needed to know, or about the rules of his favourite wizarding sport, Quidditch, I was reading over the letters I received from Harry. I had received plenty since he arrived at Hogwarts, at least three a week. Every time I saw Hedwig arrive I would feel lighter somehow, like a small part of me that was taken when Harry left was being brought back to me. I loved how his letters were basically just all of his thoughts put down onto paper; Harry was one of those people who wrote how he thought. His letters sounded exactly like his mind, familiar and comforting, and I needed that connection more than anything.

_We have our first flying lessons tomorrow, and everyone else in my dorm – most of the first years, are really excited, telling these amazing stories of how they fly at home all the time. I'm not looking forward to making a fool of myself, although I think Neville Longbottom and Hermione Granger will both be worse than me. Currently Ron and Dean Thomas are fighting over which sport is better, Quidditch or football. Ron doesn't understand the appeal of any sport not involving flying of some kind, not knowing anything different to Quidditch. He doesn't really get that it's the same for us too. I guess I am sort of excited about it all; it'll be interesting to see how it goes anyway, and I'll be able to tell you about it before you start next year. I won't send this letter until after my lesson, so you don't have to wait to hear how it all goes._

_You won't believe it. The lesson today was... I'll just have to start at the beginning._

_Neville broke his wrist at the start of the lesson, and Madam Hooch (who was teaching us) had to take him up to see Madam Pomfrey. Neville had gotten a Remembrall from his Gran in the mail this morning, because he's so forgetful. It's like this round glass sphere that fills itself with a deep red mist if you've forgotten something. It's pretty cool, and Neville was really glad to have it, I think. Anyway it fell out of his pocket when he fell, and Malfoy was threatening to get on his broom while Hooch was gone and put it in a tree so Neville couldn't find it. Malfoy, he just reminds me so much of what Dudley and Piers were like, I was so angry. I tried to get him just to give it to me, but reason doesn't exactly work with him, as he isn't incredibly bright. He did go up on his broom and I followed, and the thing was, even though I had never been on a broom before, nothing in the world felt as right as that did. The feel of the wood on my skin, the wind all around me; for a moment I felt peace. Like I had control over everything. And then actually flying the broom was wonderful, a feeling I couldn't possibly describe with words, at least not as well as you could. It is something you will need to feel for yourself, once you're here._

_Malfoy ended up throwing the Remembrall towards a classroom window, but I wasn't thinking about that. All these things that happened next were no conscious thoughts on my part, but maybe instinct. I could tell how it was going to fall and how I was going to fly, how I would catch it, the speed I would need. I did it effortlessly and landed easily, only then coming back to reality and having the capacity to think about the world and people around me. When McGonagall came outside for me I had no idea what to expect – but definitely not what happened. _

_We went to Professor Flitwick's class and McGonagall asked for Wood. I had no idea what that was until a boy walked out and was introduced as Oliver Wood, the Gryffindor Quidditch captain. McGonagall then declared that she had found Wood a seeker. It took me a full moment to comprehend that she meant me. She then raved about the way I caught the Remembrall, saying it was an extraordinary dive, it was my first time on a broom, how easily I did it, and that Charlie Weasley couldn't have. I didn't know what half of this meant at the time, but Oliver looked like the time Dudley found out he was going to be celebrating his birthday and his half birthday every year. _

_So it turns out that Ron's brother Charlie was the Gryffindor seeker until he graduated last year, and they hadn't found a replacement yet, and the Quidditch season starts soon. McGonagall really wants to beat Snape, so she's letting me play on the house team. The thing is, first years never make the house teams except for exemptions like this, when a teacher has given their approval. So that makes me the youngest seeker in a century, which is alright, but even better was when McGonagall said that dad would have been really proud, because he was a great Quidditch player too._

The letter continued for a bit and I read misty eyed, the mention of my dad hitting me full force. Would my parents have wanted this; for me to sacrifice such a huge part of my life for my brother? Or would they be disappointed I will be in Slytherin? I knew there was no way I could reason this out. If they were alive today, neither Harry nor I would be in this mess, and we would have adults that cared about us and made these choices without jeopardising our safety. Lily and James were these figures that haunted my dreams, people I had to make up in my mind because I have no memories of either. That hurt more than anything, and most of the time I would happily not think about them, if it meant not reminding me that they didn't exist for me at all.

Harry's letter carried on a bit more, making me laugh and ponder a bit more, until he mentioned something... odd.

_So I saw an old copy of the Daily Prophet in Hagrid's hut, one from the 1__st__ July, saying how Gringotts had been broken into the day before, my birthday – the day we were there with Hagrid. The article mentioned that the vault had been emptied earlier that same day. Which made me believe it ties back to whatever Hagrid had to get for Dumbledore. When I brought up the robbery, Hagrid got really evasive, and because he's so terrible at it, you know he is lying or avoiding something. The thing that I keep thinking back to is how Hagrid said that Gringotts is the safest place in the world if you wanted to hide something – except maybe Hogwarts. It's something I hope I get a chance to look into more, and I'll keep you updated._

_Keep safe, and don't let the Dursley's force you to do everything. If it starts getting too much, talk to Kate and Ben. If they're Dumbledore's friends then they should help you, and I'd feel better knowing you were being looked after properly._

_Talk soon_

_Love, Harry_

_p.s. I didn't get a chance to post this straight away – long story involving Malfoy trying to get me expelled like normal – but Ron, Hermione and I ended up trapped in the forbidden third floor corridor and it turns out there's a three headed dog in there, guarding a trap door. I'm guessing it is whatever Hagrid took from Gringotts for Dumbledore, the thing that someone attempted to steal – H_

It took me several moments to gather my thoughts. When I had finally formulated some ideas of my own, Ben walked into the classroom alone today, which was just as strange as Harry's letter.

"Where's Kate?" I asked bluntly. Ben raised an eyebrow at me good naturedly.

"And here I thought you enjoyed seeing me, Potter" he teased and I grinned ruefully at him.

"I do, you know that. Sorry I was blunt, I'm just a bit thrown off this morning" I glanced at my letter without thinking, and Ben looked at me with both curiousity and concern. I realised he was waiting for an explanation, and having none I just passed him the letter from Harry. He too spent some time reading through its contents carefully, like one would do before starting an extremely difficult recipe, or like Ben says I should do with every potion no matter what. Nearly ten minutes had passed, and he still hadn't said anything, so I decided to ask one of the first things I thought of while I had been reading.

"Do you remember that book I read the other week about the foundations of wizarding society?" Ben nodded, clearly content to see where I was going with this. "Well I remember reading that Gringotts would neither confirm nor deny the truth about the rumours they have dragons guarding the high level vaults, preferring the fear to act as a deterrent for would be thieves. And the thing is, most people can't make it that far under the ground without a goblin to prevent them from being trapped inside for eternity anyway. So I guess my question is – if a person was planning on breaking into Gringotts, they would need to be more than just very smart in order to get in and get out of a high level vault, because that day Harry and I were there with Hagrid, they don't use keys to open the lock, it is the goblin's fingernail that fits into the groove and opens the door. Griphook said that if anyone other than Gringotts goblin tried it, they would be sucked into the vault and trapped there. They only check every ten years! And you can't go down that far without an escort."

"You're right about the person needing to be more than smart, because no one has ever broken into Gringotts before and got out, which is why this was such big news. The fact that our bank, which is the safest place other than Hogwarts, can be breached..." Ben seemed a little overwhelmed by the new information Harry had on the subject, and I could almost see the wheels turning in his mind.

"Do you know what Professor Dumbledore had Hagrid pick up that day?" I asked curiously. It couldn't have been coincidence that the vault in question was later robbed, and maybe the answer as to who broke in lied with what had been stolen.

"No, I really don't. I'm guessing that's something only Dumbledore and some select staff at Hogwarts know, and most likely for good reason if they've got Fluffy guarding whatever it is."

"Fluffy?" I echoed, incredulous. "The three headed dog is named Fluffy?!"

"It's Hagrid's dog." Ben answered simply. I rolled my eyes, because that really did explain it all, even for me. I learnt enough about Hagrid's fascination for dangerous creatures on our trip to Diagon Alley, and his eagerness over the –

"Rumours of the dragon in the vaults." I finished the thought out loud. "Hagrid was really excited to be going to a high level vault, hoping to see one."

"Him and Charlie both." Ben laughed to himself. I frowned, my thought interrupted.

"Charlie Weasley?" I asked curiously, but then answered my own question. "The brother that went off chasing dragons."

"They have a lot in common." Ben commented easily, but left it at that so I tried to pick up where I had stopped.

"The thing about our trip down to the vault, Harry and I both saw this huge flame of fire at the end of a passageway we passed. I know we were going pretty fast in the cart, but we both saw it, and it was huge. House sized flames. It could have easily been a dragon, unless you know of something else that could have produced so much fire deep in London's underground." Ben was thinking again, and I was getting a little annoyed that I was the only contributor to our conversation.

"Ben? Is there a loop I could join you in here, or are you going to keep your thoughts to yourself?" He laughed at that and seemed ready to indeed share with me, and I waited attentively.

"I'm not withholding any new information from you; the fact is what you've already read is my own level of knowledge surrounding Gringotts' security. Kate would know a bit more about it, but you have to understand that if it has anything to do with her work for the Department of Mysteries she can't talk about it. I'm not saying don't find out what you can or not to be curious about things in our world – your ability to determine fact from fiction, figure out clues and find the right information are just some of the skills we need you to have if you're going to be in Slytherin. So I'm not saying don't keep searching for the answer. Just be aware that right now, I don't know anything else, and Kate may not be able to shed much light on the subject."

"Where is Kate anyway? You never did tell me."

"Out on assignment." Which meant Kate was on assignment for the Department of Mysteries, because I was usually allowed to know more when it was just auror stuff.

We spent the remainder of the afternoon with my attempting a forgetfulness potion, Ben wanting me to learn how to brew a few key ones before I went to school. I had read over the instructions twice before I started by preparing all of the ingredients first, so I could concentrate on combining each for the potion properly. After an hour and a half I had finished, and if Ben was surprised at the attempt, the liquid matching the exact description of the final product, he didn't show it.

"Perfect. Its amazing Al, really. You should be proud, not many first years ever pull this off." We continued like that for the remainder of the day, eating our lunch together in between potions and discussions about certain ingredients like we had on the first day at the hospital. It felt just as normal now as it did then, and I was once again especially glad to have Ben and Kate with me this year, since I didn't have Harry.

The end of the day came and Kate still hadn't returned, worrying me slightly. Ben waylaid my fears, assuring me that it was a simple enough task she had to do, and he would see her before dinner. He asked to keep my letter from Harry, so he could show Kate tonight, which I readily agreed to, if it meant I might get some more helpful information tomorrow. As I packed up my belongings and headed out, I turned back once to look at Ben, who had a grim look on his face and was staring out the window into the ever-greying sky. I knew then that he was worried, but hadn't wanted to scare or worry me, and I felt a sudden burst of anger, because I wanted to be there for him or help him somehow. But knowing I couldn't, even though I desperately wanted to for the person I had grown to consider like family, was enough to placate me and make me feel somewhat contrite.

_If Kate isn't back tomorrow I will force him to let me help somehow, but until I then I will let him have his space, because I would want the same if it were Harry._

I turned and left without a word, but I was sure I could feel his eyes on the back of my neck as I did.


	7. If I Ever Feel Better Part Two

**A/N:** The usual disclaimers apply guys - not JKR, not making any sort of profit, etc. I just want to thank everyone who has been reading my story, has written me a lovely review or put the story in their favourites or alerts list. It's wonderful to know that my story is enjoyed by others! Also just some quick self promotion - I've started on a new twilight story, so any fans of Stephenie Meyer's series should check out my profile page and follow the links, I would love you forever. As always, please R&R, I love hearing from you all.

**...**

_It's like somebody took my place_

_I ain't even playing my own game_

_The rules have changed well I didn't know_

_There are things in my life I can't control_

_I feel the chaos around me_

_A thing I don't try to deny_

_I'd better learn to accept that_

_There's a part of my life that will go away_

- If I Ever Feel Better, Phoenix

**...**

**Part Two**

The night was one of the longest I had ever experienced. I found it hard to concentrate on anything, school work or reading for my own amusement, because I was too worried about Kate. What if she hadn't come back? What would Ben do? How could I help him?

I sighed audibly in frustration and threw my copy of Quidditch through the Ages at the end of my makeshift bed. The cupboard under the stairs wasn't large enough to fit a real one, not that the Dursley's would ever give Harry or I one between us. But over the years we had improvised, and overwhelmingly being under here made me feel connected to Harry, even when he was so far away. I missed that familiar humming in my mind from his, the way he could always make me laugh, and how we could talk about absolutely everything and still have so much more to say. I knew my relationship with my brother was something Ben and Kate understood; being twins meant sharing absolutely everything of yourself with another person, and having this irrevocable connection with someone else, someone who wasn't just a sibling but also your best friend.

Most days it killed me to be without Harry. I hated that I couldn't see him, that there was no reason for him to come home and visit during the holidays, that all I got from him for a year were letters. I wanted to hear his voice and see those green eyes I adored so much. But tonight I was missing Kate as well, because I had grown to love her like you would an older sister. I knew she wasn't always forthcoming, and not just because of her job. It felt like she was holding something back and I only had my guesses as to what that something was. More than anything I was becoming increasingly sure that Kate's job for the Department of Mysteries had more to do with me Harry and I then she was letting on. I mean, Ben and Kate both said that Dumbledore wanted me in Slytherin because he believes Voldemort is still alive, and having me close to his followers could help us get vital information to protect Harry. Because if Voldemort gains his power back, that's what he will do – go after my brother and finish what he started almost ten years ago.

I didn't know enough about what grown up witches and wizards did in their jobs to have even an idea about what Kate could possibly be doing in Surrey. All I had was the feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me that I wasn't being told everything. But I had to trust that Kate would tell me when she could, like Ben had said. Trusting adults has never been something that came easily to me, not until that day I met Ben at the hospital. I can't say exactly that it was one thing or another that made me open up to Ben, but I will remember the look in his eyes for a long time. He looked at me as though I was worth something, as though I was someone other than a sister and a best friend. It was a feeling I had never experienced before, and something I knew was worth pursuing if I wanted any chance of having my own identity in the wizarding world.

It was almost eight thirty when I realised I hadn't eaten since lunch. My stomach growling in protest, I decided to see if there was anything in the fridge I could eat without Vernon noticing. During my perusal the front door opened and I shut the fridge hastily, walking over to the few dishes I had left on the sink earlier. As I put away the last of the glasses Aunt Petunia walked into the kitchen alone. Surprised at her arriving home alone, although I tried my best to hide that fact, I watched as she pulled out the pasta in the fridge.

"Would you like some pasta, Alex?" I wasn't too surprised to hear that my aunt's voice wasn't full of its usual malice. She often found it easier to talk to me than to Harry, especially if Vernon wasn't around. But I was truly surprised he hadn't returned home.

"I would, thankyou." I paused, unsure whether or not to continue. "You were at Mr and Mrs Polkiss' house earlier?" She flinched slightly, but other than that showed no sign that anything was wrong.

"Yes, I was. Vernon decided to stay and talk business with Mr Polkiss, and I needed to come home to organise some things for tomorrow."

It was only as she kept speaking that I noticed the slightly monotonous tone in her voice, and the way her eyes were unfocused and slightly glazed over. I went to say something, anything about this, when I noticed that her hands were fidgeting – repeating their movements meticulously, over and over again. Suddenly my memory was triggered, a distant thought almost making its way into my mind, but I was suddenly passed a bowl of pasta by my peculiar aunt before I could grasp the memory. I sat down at the kitchen table and began to eat, making sure to watch her as I did so. I couldn't be sure of what happened, but considering how I had felt near Mr Polkiss the other week, I was concerned. My aunt seemed unaware of everything going on around her, and it made me feel something for her I rarely had in my ten years, actually worry and sympathy, because she was my family. I had never thought of Vernon as being a part of my heritage of who I was, but Petunia was my mother's sister. And in that moment, watching as she had no idea what was going on, the look of obliviousness on her usually guarded face, I knew I had to take care of her.

I pushed her to finish her pasta, keeping her occupied on the food and casual topics of conversation. She even asked how school was going, which she has never done before and I'm sure will never do again. By the time she had finished dinner, Vernon still wasn't home but that wasn't my concern right now. I helped her to bed, assisting her to change into her nightdress and leaving the door open halfway so I could keep an eye on her. And that's how I spent the night, sitting in my aunt's bedroom door, leaning against the frame and keeping myself away worrying about not only my aunt but also Kate.

The next morning I realised I had fallen asleep in the early hours, and my aunt was still sleeping soundly. Vernon had not returned home, and I allowed myself a moment to worry about that slightly, before I realised I couldn't do anything about that now. I wasn't sure if she would remember last night at all and she would need breakfast anyway, so I made my way to the kitchen, intent on making something for the both of us. I was cooking bacon, eggs and toast when Petunia woke up.

"You're making breakfast?" I nodded, signalling she should sit.

"It's almost done. Would you like a tea?" She smiled a genuine smile that was rare on her face and I allowed one to grace my own as I served her breakfast. She looked pointedly at the remaining food and I met her gaze, confused.

"You need to eat something before school." I nodded slowly and served myself some food, but it felt dry in my mouth, like I could never chew it enough to swallow. Every part of my body felt tired and sore, and I was beginning to get a headache. Fortunately my aunt was still dazed and didn't notice that I was too worried to finish eating. I dressed quickly for school and left as early as I could, needing to know that Kate was fine, even if my aunt was not. Maybe Ben and Kate could help me figure out what had happened to her last night. The walk to school was quick, and I ended up half running. I halfway there I realised I hadn't packed any lunch for today, and I didn't get around to writing a letter back to Harry. Maybe I would have some time to do that today. But only if Kate was alright first. Only if she could help me.

When I entered the school grounds I ran straight towards the classroom, going past the tree I usually sat underneath in the morning to read, usually a charmed copy of Hogwarts, a History, so the other kids thought I was reading Pride and Prejudice. But I couldn't wait this morning. Panic was starting to set in and I just needed to see Kate, see that she was alive and fine and then I would know everything else would be okay, because she would know what to do. She just needed to be okay.

I burst through the classroom door, and gasped for breath, having ran the majority of the way to school. I almost didn't see Kate laughing at something Ben had said, but I did focus enough to see the both of them turn to look at me, concern in their features.

"I'm okay, Al." Kate said tiredly.

Looking at her closely, I could tell she was indeed fine. I couldn't see any bruises or cuts on her, and other than the fact she looked exhausted I believed her. I smiled widely and hurried across the room, not even thinking before I hugged her tightly. She seemed surprised and stiffened slightly underneath me, but quickly relaxed into the hug and returned it equally. My head lying on her shoulder I sighed easily, finally feeling relaxed. There was something wonderful about this feeling, of being hugged and cared for by someone else. This was the first time I had ever been hugged by someone other than Harry. It felt oddly comforting. Not that hugging Harry didn't comfort me, but that was all I usually had. I never felt like I would be hugged in my life by anyone else, so for this to happen made me feel... hope. That there was this whole future I could have beyond what I ever allowed myself to think of at night when I lied awake in the cupboard under the stairs.

"You look like you haven't slept again." Ben said softly as I held onto Kate. I nodded into her shoulder and she sighed.

"I hope you weren't awake worrying about me all night."

"Not just you," my voice came out muffled, but I knew they could hear me.

"Aunt Petunia came home alone last night and she was all... funny. She was very vacant; eyes glazed and voice slightly monotonous, fidgeting repetitively. She was even nice to me, heat –" I almost mentioned that she heated up the pasta, like it wasn't an every day occurrence by my guardian, and I cut myself off. They didn't need to know that I rarely ate at home.

"She was oddly nice. And Vernon didn't come home at all. She was still acting really weird this morning, and I feel like I should know what these symptoms mean, like I've seen it or read about it, but I just can't think." Ben and Kate had these concerned looks on their faces and I sighed audibly.

"This is about what you're doing here for the Department of Mysteries, isn't it?" I asked point blank at Kate and she nodded.

"Many of Voldemort's followers escaped capture and even identification after his downfall. Many we have tried to track, but there are still a few significant members from the inner circle that we only have vague leads on at best. We tracked two of the worst here to Surrey, and we have to assume that you or Harry are the target."

"How long have they been in Surrey?" It made me sick to think that Harry could have been in danger longer than we even knew anything about Voldemort and his Death Eaters.

"We can't tell for sure..." Kate seemed reluctant to share the thought, and I looked at her, truly looked in her eyes for a moment, and I knew she could tell I had to know this.

"But from the information we used to track them here, it looks as though they've been here at least seven years." I growled in frustration, my headache getting worse.

"Trust me, I know how unacceptable this is, which is why I insisted to be here with you this year. We've known Dumbledore a long time, and known about you for your whole life. I wanted to help him try and fix this, and I needed to make sure you were kept safe." I nodded, satisfied on that front for the moment.

"What about my aunt? Isn't it weird that this is happening at the same time you're off chasing Death Eaters? And Vernon didn't come home. He has never not come home." This time it was Ben that looked at me as though he was about to tell me my cat had died.

"It sounds like someone tried to wipe her memories, but hasn't done so correctly. The most effective memory removal shows no signs for years later, but the fact that Petunia is exhibiting adverse affects means that the caster can't use obliviate very well, or isn't very powerful. Either way, we can't do anything to help her or Vernon just yet, because this could have been done to flush Kate or myself into the open, and until we know what the Death Eaters' plans are, we need to wait. She still has her basic motor functions and memories, so it will only be superficial surface damage that she will recover from completely over time. We're just going to need time."

Time; how much of it did we really have? It's a question I had been asking myself every night for a long time now, and I wish someone, somewhere could give me an answer.


	8. If I Ever Feel Better Part Three

**Author's Note: Hey kids, it's been a while. Life and preparing for uni to start again got in the way a bit, and once the chapter was ready to go up, was experiencing certain technical difficulties. So I apologise for the delay, and hope you enjoy this chapter. Usual disclaimers apply, I simply own a few additional characters and the plot idea. Would love to hear your thoughts so as always please R&R. **

_Dark is the night, cold is the ground_

_In the circular solitude of my heart_

_As one who strives a hill to climb_

_I am sure I'll come through I don't know how_

_They say an end can be a start_

_Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive_

_I'm losing my balance on the tight rope_

_Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please..._

_If I ever feel better_

_Remind me to spend some good time with you_

_You can give me your number_

_When it's all over I'll let you know_

If I Ever Feel Better, Phoenix

**...**

**Part 3**

Time always passes, even when you are praying for it to both hurry forward and just pause for a second. Life continues to go on, and so does magic. After Petunia and Vernon had their memories altered, on the same night that Kate had been out chasing Death Eaters to no avail, I was left to watch all parties recover from the scars of that night. My Aunt especially had obvious traces of magical interference, and it took the next month for the signs to become less visible. Eventually all scars fade, and while we may not see them everyday, it doesn't change the fact that those scars will remain with us. It was with this knowledge that I allowed myself some small amount of sympathy for the woman who had been my mother's sister.

But when she was screeching at me from downstairs like she was currently, it was only a very small amount.

It was Halloween, and Vernon and Petunia were celebrating the occasion by throwing a party for their neighbourhood friends. I was expected to dress nicely and not speak during dinner, but beforehand I had been slaving away, cooking the majority of the food I would not be allowed to eat. I was not in any way excited for this evening, the idea of Halloween a little lost on me. Maybe it was the fact that I had never been trick or treating? I would have to ask Ben if I was missing out on anything special, or if Halloween at Hogwarts was any better. Tonight all I had was the white sundress and pale blue cardigan my aunt had picked out, both items clashing horribly with my pale skin and dark, ink like hair. I didn't much like the colour white or pale blue. Pale colours always look so washed out and bland, two things that annoyed me. I liked bright and bold colours, like emerald green, cerulean or black. When I can buy my own clothes, I will own nothing that is plain.

I was on door duty for the beginning of the night. I would greet every person attending, take their coats and offer them a drink before showing them through to the dining room where Petunia and Vernon were. While it was a mind numbing job I've done before, I usually had Harry to keep me company. Even though we couldn't talk to each other, just us being together was enough to keep me sane. Tonight I was a little apprehensive, due mostly to the fact that Kate and Ben still had no idea who had altered Petunia and Vernon's memories, only that in order for them to have done so it was most likely that they knew who the person was. It's like those crime shows where the victim a huge percent of the time knows their attacker. That fact alone was enough to scare me, but the idea that they could walk into my house tonight and I wouldn't know the difference absolutely terrified me.

Kate and Ben both believed that whoever the Death Eater was wouldn't risk exposing themselves to me, because I could get in contact with people from the magical community now Harry was at Hogwarts. I mean, I knew that made sense, and aside from the one incident nothing has happened recently to suggest I would be in danger. But I just had this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me that something was going to happen. I couldn't just ignore my instincts, so I settled on making sure neither Petunia nor Vernon were out of my sight for the evening, which is actually a lot harder than you would think.

During dinner it was fine. I was sitting next to Mrs Polkiss, who aside from giving me her usual creepy looks from those sunken, gleaming black eyes, essentially ignored me. I was more relieved that her son, Piers, was away at a boarding school like Dudley. Various neighbours that knew less about the Potter children asked about school and I was surprised at the honesty of my answers when I said that I enjoyed it. I would have never predicted upon discovering that Harry and I would be separated for the first time that I would enjoy it, but I was nevertheless happy to be proven wrong. Dessert was quiet and something I was expected to decline under strict threats from Vernon earlier in the afternoon. As the guests dispersed into the living room I began the tedious task of cleaning up after everyone. I knew from previous parties that the kitchen and dining room would have to be spotless before I could go to sleep, and looking at the enormous mess surrounding me I hoped Kate wouldn't mind if I accidentally fell asleep during my lessons tomorrow.

As the night wore on, more of the guests began to leave, and I was walking towards the garbage bin outside when I saw him standing over my aunt's shaking form. A small but audible gasp fell from my lips before I could stop it, and suddenly his wand was pointing directly between my eyes, and the word _obliviate_ –

Everything was black, but the whispering was like ghosts crawling through my ears, making my spine tingle uncomfortably. I tried to close my eyes even more, hide from their words but it was impossible, they kept creeping... always closer.

"_Normal dinner party... cleaned up afterwards... everything normal... went to bed... will go to school tomorrow."_ Hushed and hurried commands, forcing my limbs forward. What was going on? Who did that voice belong to?

I didn't understand why I was doing what the voice said, but the movements were painful. I wanted to scream out, but my throat was locked shut, a heavy knot forming in my throat from muffled screams and hot tears. When my head started to feel as though it were burning from the inside out, and that I would surely die from this sort of pain, another, softer voice started speaking.

"_Ally, you need to let go of your mind. I know it's scary but it can take care of itself. The only way to make the pain stop is to let go, let your mind shield itself and protect you from him." _

The voice was distinctly male and deep, rushing out the words in sheer panic. He was clearly distressed and, for some reason beyond my own understanding, I didn't want to cause this man any pain. That would be worse than ten times any pain I was going through. Knowing then I had no choice but to follow his wishes, and surprised at my own willingness to surprise this stranger, I complied.

Almost immediately a wall came up, with the creeping ghost voices left firmly on the other side. Sighing in relief I could feel the man who had helped me still, and I tentatively reached out for him. There aren't many words that could describe the feeling that came over me when we connected. It was like being wrapped up in a large warm blanket; that comfort you get from being held by someone you love. In that moment I knew the voice belonged to James Potter, my father. And I didn't care that it was impossible, or meant that the spell or the fire or both had made me go crazy. I was with my dad, and everything in the world, for that one moment, was more than okay.

I didn't want to leave him.

But he must have sensed this, because he sighed and started to pull away from the connection slowly. I cried out mentally, empty from the loss. He came close only once more.

"_You need to go back Ally; it's not your time yet. Harry needs you and you need to be with him. Watch out for yourself, and always trust your instincts, no matter what anyone else says to the contrary. Mine got me out of more than a few sticky situations in my life. And so you know, no matter what you decide to do, your mother and I will always love you. Stay strong, no matter how dark it gets, and find the will to keep fighting. You'll know the day it will be worth it." _

As I opened my eyes, the blackness fading around my vision, I could hear choruses of '_I love you_' echoing through my mind, keeping me calm. It was enough to put me to sleep again.

I was jerked awake by my Aunt screeching at the cupboard door, banging her bony fists slightly. Not that this was something unusual; I could mostly count on it occurring on days ending with Y. But my brain just didn't want to function today, everything movement making me feel more like I had been run over by a truck rather than resting peacefully. I must have yelled something, because eventually Petunia went away. I wonder how she could have heard it, because I barely did myself. It took forever for me to move my muscles and get myself together for school. Finally walking out of Number Four, I realised I hadn't looked at the clock and had no idea what time it is. Or how long it would take me to walk to school like this, but I had to start moving.

The air seemed colder outside, I couldn't stop shivering. I wish I had worn stockings underneath my school skirt, and possibly a jacket. Where was my school bag? I must not have picked it up, which is odd. It has all my books in it as well, and any homework I needed to get done. Did I even do any last night? It's all rather foggy. It is such a long walk to school, and I never even realised before now just how long it takes me every day. Everything is going so fast around me; it hurts my eyes to look at things for too long. Maybe the ground is best then? Seems reasonable enough, but what if I run into something... that's the school, isn't it? Yes, those grey walls are hard to forget.

Why was I forgetting so much this morning? Maybe I'm coming down with something, everything was normal last night.

Last night. A bright light behind my eyes made me double over in pain, my knees connecting sharply against the ground. An audible whimper escaped my throat and a small sob wracked my chest, because the classroom was just across the walkway, but my throat hurt so much I couldn't have made a sound if I'd wanted to. Unable to do anything else, I let the pain swallow me whole, the familiar darkness a welcome relief from the harsh light of day.

"My head hurts,"

I moaned as I tried to lift my head, but a cool cloth rested on my forehead, lightly pressing it back onto the pillow beneath me. I slowly opened my eyes, confused. Ben was looking at me, worry etched into his features as he watched me. I opened my mouth to reassure him like normal, but I didn't know what to say.

"You collapsed outside, passed out. We were able to wake you up, but you had no memory of how you had gotten to school, nor of your night once you left yesterday afternoon. We realised that the Death Eater who had altered your Aunt and Uncle's memories must have been at the dinner party last night. Does any of this make sense to you?" I tried to think about what Ben was saying. A dinner party...

"Yes, Vernon and Petunia had their neighbours over, I had to cook dinner and wear a dress.... it was stupid, a stupid colour... white or pale blue. It was pale, and I hated it. I do hate it, I hate pale colours. I was cooking; I ate dinner with them but kept quiet like Vernon wanted. It was normal; Mrs Polkiss even kept looking at me creepily like she does every time they come over. I had to clean up, but.... argh!" I yelled out, hitting a wall literally in my memory.

"There's nothing else. Like a wall in front of the memories I need!" I hit the lounge I was lying on angrily, and tears started to form in my eyes again. "Why can't I remember, Ben?" I hated how pathetic and small my voice sounded, but I was too tired to care. However the person who answered my question was not Ben Mosen.

"Because the wizard who cast the memory charm on your mind has exceptional talent, and did so with the direct intent to wipe whatever memory could trigger any recognition or reconstruction of the night's events." The voice was soft, but I could feel the power radiating from his figure. A man wearing the brightest purple robes I have ever seen, a matching hat with twinkling gold stars; a long, grey beard and blue eyes behind half moon spectacles, I knew this was Professor Dumbledore.

"Professor Dumbledore Sir. I didn't mean to cause a fuss," I mumbled quietly. Looking at me kindly but sternly, he replied easily.

"It is neither a fuss nor a burden, Alexandra, as I wish to be here with you. When Kate told me what had happened, I knew the effects of the spell on your mind would have been quite painful, and for anyone other than myself to remove them..." He paused for a moment before speaking again. "Maybe I should start at the beginning,"

"But first, please call me Alex, Sir." I smiled tiredly and it was returned to me in kind.

"Thankyou Alex. Now a memory charm, as you may or may not be aware, is a spell that, when cast, allows that person to destroy a memory they so choose to. Most people just do this part of the spell, leaving the person to feel light headed and empty when they think back onto the time that has been erased. But an advanced user of the charm knows they can create false memories to reside in place of the destroyed reality, effectively distorting the person's memory almost perfectly. In most cases of memory loss, our minds are able to heal over time and eventually reconstruct what has gone missing. Our minds have a harder time doing this if a false memory is in the mix, so to speak." Professor Dumbledore paused to look at me over his half moon spectacles and I gave him a small smile and nod to show that I understood, because I did, even though my head was pounding.

"Do we have any aspirin, before we go on? And maybe some water?" Ben looked like someone had hit him in the face, and he jumped up to get me the desired items. However instead of aspirin he came back with one cup and a goblet? What?

"What is that?" I asked curiously.

"This is a potion that will help calm your head down a bit. It works faster than any tablets."

I grabbed the goblet from his hand and drank it down quickly, desperate for any relief at the moment. It felt like someone had poured cool water through my head, finally putting out the blazing fire. I let my eyes fall close again and almost felt normal again. Sure my limbs still ached and I was really panicked about what I couldn't remember, but I could feel the presence of Ben's mind again, warm and comforting against my own. I could also sense Professor Dumbledore's; he felt like a bright shining light and loud humming bees, similar to Harry.

Suddenly there was something else in my mind. Flashes of bright light and fragments, memories, coming into focus. They weren't painful like before, rather like watching a movie play out in front of me. I could see myself cleaning in the kitchen, picking up the garbage bags and walking outside. Aunt Petunia was on the ground, shaking and broken, and a man stood over her, his face black. He heard my gasp and turned on me, his wand pointing between my eyes and my fear palpable.

I woke up, scared more than anything. Sitting up on the lounge I realised that during my dream Kate had returned, taking a post at my feet. She looked at me with only concern, and I tried to smile to reassure her. I was still gasping for air though, as though my lungs had been deprived of it for days. So I don't think it worked so well. She looked like she was about to say something, but seemed torn about whatever it was. Figuring it was about my memories, I gave her the answers she needed to hear, but wouldn't like.

"I can remember everything about last night, up to when I was attacked." I started so softly I could barely hear myself talk, but Kate, Ben and Professor Dumbledore seemed to hang on my every word.

"I went to go outside and take the rubbish out and a man was standing over Aunt Petunia. He sees me, points his wand right between my eyes and casts the spell. I can't remember his face, it is black. But in my memories, in between the fear I could feel my own familiarity and shock at who it was. But I don't remember now. I'm sorry." The last part was a hushed whisper, anger more at myself for not being able to help, to do anything. Ben came over and wrapped me in a hug and I leaned into his arms, my eyes shut tightly and sobbed until my breathing evened out and I felt a little lighter. I don't know how long we sat there like that, Ben rubbing soothing circles on my back and occasionally smoothing back my hair, but it made me feel less guilty.

"What can we do?" I asked the room. I was hoping someone would have an answer for me, something that would make me feel as though I wasn't running the risk of dying every time I stepped foot into Privet Drive. I would never feel safe there, but it was the only home I knew.

"Unfortunately we can't just ward Number 4 against Death Eaters, because we then run the risk of them leaving without a trace again. That being said, we don't just want to use you as bait, but you have to understand the lure that exists because you're there. We want to give you something you can use as a means of contacting us if anything were to happen. If you end up seeing the Death Eaters again, you won't recognise them so they will know that their spell worked. So the immediate danger is removed. If anything suspicious happens from now on, you use this mirror to contact us. It is linked with mine and Ben's, and in case of emergencies, Professor Dumbledore's. You just need to say our name into the glass and you're set."

Kate handed me the mirror and I took it gratefully, placing it gently on my lap. Professor Dumbledore still had a sombre look in his eyes but seemed a bit happier since I had taken the potion.

"I wish I didn't have to burden you with anything else after your ordeal last night, but unfortunately I must. There was an incident at the school last night where a fully grown mountain troll was let in, and had cornered a student, Miss Hermione Granger." My eyes widened at the name; Harry had told me about this girl in his letters.

"Is she okay?"

"Yes she is, thanks to your brother and his friend Mr Ron Weasley rather rash actions. They went after Hermione and found her cornered by the troll, so they took it upon themselves to fight him off. However ill thought out these actions were, they surely saved Miss Granger's life, and made a new friend in the process. All escaped without injury, I assure you." I don't know whether I had taken a breath since Dumbledore mentioned Harry. I didn't know what a troll really was, but I assumed it was rather large, and most likely dangerous.

"Halloween just isn't a good day for anyone with the surname Potter, is it?" Ben muttered under his breath. Kate shot him a very dark look at this, and suddenly I knew they knew something I didn't.

"What do you mean, Ben?" His eyes looked into mine for a long moment, as though he were searching for some sign that I could handle what he was about to tell me. After a while he nodded to himself before speaking again.

"It was Halloween the night Voldemort attacked your parents and Harry," he said softly.

I don't remember when the tears started falling, but no one said anything else. The only sounds that flooded my ears were my own wracking sobs over the unfairness of a world where I would never remember my own parents.


End file.
